13 Ways To Better Understand Your Teenagers
"Always celebrate something: a new achievement, a new poem, a new hobby, a new dream." ~ Amelia Lee
Co-Founder, The Best In Singapore
Director, The Best In Singapore Education Division (over 31,000 of Singapore's most qualified and experienced home tutors)
Princeton University (Materials Science Engineering, PhD)
Causes Of Teenage Stress | How Does Stress Affect Teenagers | Signs Of Stress In Teens | Teenage Mood Swings | Smart Goals For Teens
13 Ways To Better Understand Your Teenagers
The rankings of these helpful insights into the aspirations and behaviours of teens do not appear in any order of importance because the needs of every teen and every parent is different.
The editorial and writing teams from The Best In Singapore strive to be objective, unbiased, transparent, and to present different options for our readers to consider.
Our ages range from 19 to 66 years, so the content in our articles represents a variety of perspectives and life experiences.
Like you, we are everyday people who want to make our lives better, more fun, enhance our productivity, and to achieve our goals.
And here we are, sharing the knowledge and secrets that we found out!
1. Create A Trusting Relationship
7. Set clear family rules about behaviour and communication
8. Focus on your child’s behaviour and how you feel about it
10. Help your child beat exam stress
11. Give your child responsibility
Causes Of Teenage Stress | How Does Stress Affect Teenagers | Signs Of Stress In Teens | Teenage Mood Swings | Smart Goals For Teens Singapore
There’s a dramatic change between how teens behave at 13 years old compared to at 19 years old.
Yet it happens so gradually that you might not even recognize your teen transforming into an adult right in front of your eyes.
Thirteen-year-old teens are finishing up one phase of life, leaving childhood behind, and entering another one – becoming a teen.
The transition to adulthood is filled with challenges, as 19 year olds have been finding out.
Between the ages of 13 to 19, your child is no longer simply thinking about their own life.
They are starting to consider how the entire world works and how their life fits into it.
If there is one constant about the teenage years, it is change.
It’s not just the obvious physical changes – adolescence is a period of rapid development for your child’s brain too.
The part of the brain involved in self-control, the frontal cortex, isn’t fully developed until people are well into their twenties.
This means that teenagers can face challenges in self-management and decision-making.
All this comes with a host of pressures and expectations at home, at school and with friends.
Some teenagers seem to take most things in their stride.
For others it can be a time of stress, insecurity and confusion.
Teenagers may not be exactly sure why they are acting the way they are, so they can’t always explain this or tell you what’s wrong.
According to Jay Giedd, a neuroscientist at the US National Institute of Mental Health, gray matter in the brain grows throughout childhood and peaks roughly the same time as puberty.
After that peak, gray matter thins, as unwanted and unused cells are eliminated.
Giedd calls it the “use it or lose it” principle; the cells that are being used thrive, while those that are not used are pruned.
It is a kind of sculpting in which the brain organizes itself into a smaller but more efficient organ.
Your adolescent will go through many ups and downs between puberty and the time that their brain is fully developed, usually in the early to mid-20s.
Therefore, expect to see your teen seeking more independence as they try to become more grown-up at a rate faster than they can handle.
Good behaviour in pre-teens and teenagers starts with positive communication and warm relationships. This lays the foundation for guiding your child’s behaviour in a positive way.
Here are some practical tips for putting this positive approach into action.
You can use these tips to promote positive behaviours in your teenager:
Causes Of Teenage Stress | How Does Stress Affect Teenagers | Signs Of Stress In Teens | Teenage Mood Swings | Smart Goals For Teens Singapore
1. Create A Trusting Relationship
Trust is important for any relationship. If you want your teenager to listen to you, or consider what you say, you should earn their trust.
Keep an open relationship where you share things with each other – when you share important things about your life and work, your teen will know that you trust him and is more likely to open up to you about his life.
It is best to build a strong connection with your child when she is in nursery or kindergarten.
This connection will help you maintain a warm and trusting relationship with her throughout her teenage years and adult life.
You would also want to show interest in what is happening in their life and celebrate their achievements.
Actively listening means paying close attention to what your child is saying, both with their words and their body language.
This lets you tune in to your child’s thoughts and feelings. And it shows your child that you care and are interested in them.
Encouraging healthy habits in diet, exercise and adequate sleep from the time they are attending nursery and kindergarten would also strengthen your relationship with them when they are teenagers.
Causes Of Teenage Stress | How Does Stress Affect Teenagers | Signs Of Stress In Teens | Teenage Mood Swings | Smart Goals For Teens Singapore
2. Empathize
Remember, you were a teenager once.
No matter how unreasonable your teen’s behavior may seem, try to imagine how they are feeling.
Put yourself in their shoes and understand their perspective.
When you reflect their feelings, they feel acknowledged and are willing to share their feelings, ideas, and opinions freely.
Even though you have more life experience, lecturing your child about how to behave is likely to turn them off listening.
If you want your child to listen to you, you might need to spend time actively listening to your child first.
Nagging isn’t likely to have much effect. It might increase your frustration, and your child will probably just switch off.
Pick your battles with your teenager
Before you get into conflict over your child’s behaviour, ask yourself, “Does this really matter?”’ and “Is this really worth fighting about?”
Less negative feedback means fewer opportunities for conflict and bad feelings.
If they only ever hear nagging from you, they’ll stop listening.
Overlooking minor issues, such as the clothes they wear, may mean you’re still talking to each other when you need to negotiate – or stand firm – with them on bigger issues, their career and academic choices.
Sarcasm will almost certainly create resentment and increase the distance between you and your child.
Your teen will appreciate that you have been listening to their concerns in a compassionate way and allowing your teenager to speak uninterrupted
Causes Of Teenage Stress | How Does Stress Affect Teenagers | Signs Of Stress In Teens | Teenage Mood Swings | Smart Goals For Teens Singapore
3. Respect Them
Do you want your teen to respect you?
Teach them about it by respecting them.
Fear or intimidation cannot earn you your teen’s respect.
Lead by example – respect their personality, ideas, opinions, and emotions.
Do not belittle them in front of their friends or even in private, and most importantly, do not trivialize or criticize their ideas or opinions as that can make them insecure as adults.
When you treat your children with respect, they will respond with the same respect towards you.
Arguing rarely works for parents or teenagers.
When we get angry, we might say things we don’t mean.
A more effective approach is to give yourself and your child some time to calm down.
If you’re angry or in the middle of an argument, it will be hard to discuss calmly what you expect of your child.
A more effective approach is to tell your child that you want to talk and agree on a time for a conversation.
Being defensive is very rarely useful.
Try not to take things personally.
It might help to remind yourself that your child is growing up and trying to assert their independence.
Sometimes challenging behaviours can also be a result of stressful or worrying events (e.g. a fight with a friend, an upcoming test, feeling that they don’t have the right clothes to wear).
Teenagers can challenge even the calmest of parents.
When you have further pressures in your life, such as other children, work, relationships, family commitments or illness, it can feel as though your teenager is going to push you over the edge.
Try to step back from the situation, and remember your teenager may have physiological reasons for behaving in ways that can be difficult to live with.
They’re probably not enjoying it either.
Avoid starting arguments – ignore little things like shrugs or the rolling of eyes if your teenager is otherwise behaving in an acceptable way.
Encourage them to talk about emotions or problems, and try to make sure there’s nothing they are particularly very stressed or worried about.
Causes Of Teenage Stress | How Does Stress Affect Teenagers | Signs Of Stress In Teens | Teenage Mood Swings | Smart Goals For Teens Singapore
4. Offer Help
Most teenagers can take care of themselves and may not need your help.
However, it is important to let them know that you are willing to help them should they need any.
Some teens may feel the need to do everything on their own and consider seeking help as a sign of inadequacy.
Help your children understand that not everyone can do everything, and it is okay to ask for help sometimes.
You could, alternatively, seek their help in small matters to make them feel involved.
When they see you seeking help, they will do so from you, too.
Solve problems together with your teenager and asking them if they would like to hear your opinion or advice before offering it to them.
Causes Of Teenage Stress | How Does Stress Affect Teenagers | Signs Of Stress In Teens | Teenage Mood Swings | Smart Goals For Teens Singapore
5. Show Them You Care
It might seem like your teenagers don’t want to spend time with you.
Or, it might seem like whatever you do or say is annoying to them.
Your teenager may see your discipline and strictness as hatred towards them and believe that you only want to make life difficult for them.
You can prevent your teenager from developing negative feelings towards you by showing that you care.
Tell them how much you love them and do little things to make them happy.
Show you are interested in what.
This will help keep communication channels open for when they really need to talk to you.
If there’s a lot of tension between you and your child, another trusted adult might be able to support your child. This can ease the strain.
Causes Of Teenage Stress | How Does Stress Affect Teenagers | Signs Of Stress In Teens | Teenage Mood Swings | Smart Goals For Teens Singapore
6. Be a role model
When you’re with your child, try to speak and act the way you want your child to speak and act towards you.
For example, if you swear a lot, your child might find it hard to understand why it’s not OK for them to swear.
It’s useful to remember that your own behaviour can improve or worsen an aggressive situation, so it’s important to be a good role model for your teen.
Causes Of Teenage Stress | How Does Stress Affect Teenagers | Signs Of Stress In Teens | Teenage Mood Swings | Smart Goals For Teens Singapore
Our readers to go their own doctors, counsellors and professors when they are seeking further information
7. Set clear family rules about behaviour and communication
For example, you could say, “We speak respectfully in our family. This means we don’t call people names”.
It’s a good idea to involve your child in discussions about the rules.
Causes Of Teenage Stress | How Does Stress Affect Teenagers | Signs Of Stress In Teens | Teenage Mood Swings | Smart Goals For Teens Singapore
8. Focus on your child’s behaviour and how you feel about it
Avoid any comments about your child’s personality or character.
Instead of saying, “You’re rude”, try something like, “I feel hurt when you speak like that to me”.
Causes Of Teenage Stress | How Does Stress Affect Teenagers | Signs Of Stress In Teens | Teenage Mood Swings | Smart Goals For Teens Singapore
9. Look after yourself
Give yourself permission to relax or even treat yourself occasionally
Talk about your concerns to your partner or friends, or join a support group or forum
Learn techniques for coping with low mood sadness and depression or anxiety.
If you’re concerned that you’re depressed, anxious or stressed, talk to a doctor.
Causes Of Teenage Stress | How Does Stress Affect Teenagers | Signs Of Stress In Teens | Teenage Mood Swings | Smart Goals For Teens Singapore
10. Help your child beat exam stress
Tests and exams can be a challenging part of school life for children and young people and their parents or carers. But there are ways to ease the stress.
Watch for signs of stress
Children and young people who are stressed may:
- Worry a lot
- Feel tense
- Have headaches and stomach pains
- Not sleep well
- Be irritable
- Lose interest in food or eat more than normal
- Not enjoy activities they previously enjoyed
- Be negative and have a low mood
- Feel hopeless about the future
Having someone to talk to about their work can help.
Support from a parent, tutor or study buddy can help young people share their worries and keep things in perspective.
Encourage your child to talk to a member of school staff who they feel is supportive.
If you think your child is not coping, it may also be helpful for you to talk to their teachers.
Try to involve your child as much as possible.
It is also important to make sure your child eats well
A balanced diet is vital for your child’s health, and can help them feel well during exam periods.
Some parents find high-fat, high-sugar and high-caffeine foods and drinks, such as energy drinks, cola, sweets, chocolate, burgers and chips, make their children hyperactive, irritable and moody.
Where possible, involve your child in shopping for food and encourage them to choose some healthy snacks.
Help your child get enough sleep.
Good sleep improves thinking and concentration.
Most teenagers need 8 to 10 hours’ sleep a night.
Allow half an hour or so for your child to wind down between studying, watching TV or using a computer and going to bed, to help them get a good night’s sleep.
Cramming all night before an exam is usually a bad idea.
Sleep will benefit your child far more than a few hours of panicky last-minute study.
Be flexible around exam time.
When your child is revising all day, do not complain about household jobs left undone or untidy bedrooms.
Staying calm yourself can help. Remember, exams do not last forever.
Make sure your child has somewhere comfortable to study.
Ask them how you can support them with their revision.
Help them come up with practical ideas that will help them revise, such as drawing up a revision schedule or getting hold of past papers for practice.
To motivate your child, encourage them to think about their goals in life and see how their revision and exams are related to them.
Remind your child that it’s normal to feel anxious.
Nervousness is a natural reaction to exams.
The key is to put these nerves to positive use.
If anxiety is getting in the way rather than helping, encourage your child to practise the activities they’ll be doing on the day of the exam.
This will help it feel less scary.
For example, this may involve doing practice papers under exam conditions or seeing the exam hall beforehand.
Help your child face their fears and see these activities through, rather than avoiding them.
Encourage them to think about what they know and the time they’ve already put into studying to help them feel more confident.
Exercise can help boost energy levels, clear the mind and relieve stress. It does not matter what it is – walking, cycling, swimming, football and dancing are all effective.
Activities that involve other people can be particularly helpful.
Counsellors say many children who contact them feel that most pressure at exam time comes from their family.
Listen to your child, give them support and avoid criticism.
Before they go in for a test or exam, be reassuring and positive.
Let them know that failing is not the end of the world.
If things do not go well they may be able to take the exam again.
After each exam, encourage your child to talk it through with you.
Discuss the parts that went well rather than focusing on the questions they found difficult.
Then move on and focus on the next test, rather than dwelling on things that cannot be changed.
Together with your child, think about rewards for doing revision and getting through each exam.
Rewards do not need to be big or expensive.
They can include simple things like making their favourite meal or watching TV.
When the exams are over, help your child celebrate by organising an end-of-exams treat.
Some young people feel much better when exams are over, but that’s not the case for all young people.
Get help if your child’s anxiety or low mood is severe, persists and interferes with their everyday life.
Seeing a doctor is a good place to start.
Causes Of Teenage Stress | How Does Stress Affect Teenagers | Signs Of Stress In Teens | Teenage Mood Swings | Smart Goals For Teens Singapore
11. Give your child responsibility
Learning to handle responsibility is one of the biggest challenges of adolescence, and an important step towards becoming an adult.
Giving your child responsibility in certain areas – like letting them choose their own clothes or hairstyle – can help increase autonomy and independence.
It can also help you avoid battles over the little things.
Causes Of Teenage Stress | How Does Stress Affect Teenagers | Signs Of Stress In Teens | Teenage Mood Swings | Smart Goals For Teens Singapore
12. Praise your child
Descriptive praise and encouragement are powerful motivators.
When you notice and comment on your child’s responsible choices and positive behaviour, you encourage them to keep behaving that way.
Just remember that teenagers often prefer you to praise them privately rather than in front of their friends.
Causes Of Teenage Stress | How Does Stress Affect Teenagers | Signs Of Stress In Teens | Teenage Mood Swings | Smart Goals For Teens Singapore
13. Learn to live with mistakes
Everybody makes mistakes, and nobody’s perfect.
It’s all about how you deal with mistakes – both your own and your child’s – when they happen.
Taking responsibility for mistakes is a good first step, and then working out what you can do to make things better might be your next move.
Saying sorry to your child when you make a mistake helps to keep your relationship going well.
Your child will probably slip up and break the rules sometimes.
Teenagers and their brains are still under construction – they’re still working out who they are.
Testing boundaries is all part of the process, so it helps to be realistic about your child’s behaviour.
Teenage-hood is a tricky time. Teens are developing their sense of identity, yet they still feel powerless, confined by rules and schedules.
Causes Of Teenage Stress | How Does Stress Affect Teenagers | Signs Of Stress In Teens | Teenage Mood Swings | Smart Goals For Teens Singapore
Summary
If you find that your teen’s behavior has significantly changed, bring it to their notice without making it seem like it is their fault.
The part of the brain involved in self-control, the frontal cortex, isn’t fully developed until people are well into their twenties, which means that teenagers can face challenges in self-management and decision-making.
More often though, the causes are fairly common life experiences, worries and pressures which can still be very distressing for an individual teenager.
Finally, make sure you are discussing the future.
After all, in just a few short years they will be either going off to university, starting a new job, or even entering the military.
Make sure you take time to talk about all of their options.
There is not one future life path that’s the “best” for every teenager, but your child might need assistance in exploring all the options ahead of them.
Remember, young adulthood is just around the corner and you want your teen to be prepared for it.
Help them learn valuable life skills while they are still living under your watchful eye.
For instance, make sure they know how to prepare simple meals, do their own laundry, and maintain a budget.
Dealing with teenagers is not rocket science.
Building resilience in teenagers and the development of coping skills will help them to overcome difficult situations.
Having strong, positive relationships and spending time with your child is key to building resilience.
You can have a healthy relationship with your teenager if you are willing to be patient and put in the effort to understand and work with your child.
It’s important to look after yourself too.
If you’re managing your stress and meeting your own needs, you’ll be better able to meet your child’s needs.
Friends and family can be a great source of support, as can parents of other teenagers.
When trying to develop a stronger relationship with your child, it helps to know that your teens crave your love and support, even if they don’t express it.
They might begin to feel neglected if it appears that their other siblings or your work or hobbies are more important to you than they are.
If they feel this way, their behaviour will get worse.
So set aside regular time to spend with your teen, and ensure that your teen is available at that time too.
Use these opportunities to show that you care about your teen and about his or her interests and hobbies.
Over time, your teen’s confidence and self-esteem will improve, and so will the parent-teen relationship.
Quality time doesn’t have to be extravagant.
A walk around the neighbourhood or an afternoon out for ice cream is all it takes to demonstrate that you enjoy spending time with your teen.
And make sure to avoid lecturing or nagging during this quality time — quality time should be something you both look forward to!
The teenage years are a crucial part of development.
It may not be all smooth, but we are sure that you agree that the most beneficial thing for teens is to have a good relationship with their parents.
For this, parents need to be tolerant of their teenager’s behavior, to an extent, emphasise teens’ positive attributes, and, most importantly find new ways to communicate and connect.
Knowing how to handle teenage attitude can be stressful and exhausting.
Start applying the tips described in this article, and keep persevering.
As time goes by, your family life will be more harmonious, and your relationship with your teen will improve too.
Starting today!
Causes Of Teenage Stress | How Does Stress Affect Teenagers | Signs Of Stress In Teens | Teenage Mood Swings | Smart Goals For Teens Singapore
Hello 🙂 I am Amelia Lee, PhD – Princeton University, Materials Science Engineering.
I am one of the co-founders of The Best In Singapore, and I lead our Education Division comprising over 31,000 of Singapore’s most qualified and experienced home tutors.
Since 2012, we have established a strong track record of helping our students achieve better grades. You have probably heard about us from your school teachers, classmates, relatives or colleagues.
Getting into a good school and maintaining good grades is important for anyone who wants to do well in their chosen career – whether you plan to eventually work in Singapore, Asia, Europe or the United States.
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The easier part of all these important tasks is probably the memorization of content from your textbooks. It certainly is more challenging to be able to correctly develop your higher-order thinking skills. Once you can do this, you will then need to apply the analyses are required by the increasingly difficult exam questions. Your school teachers are very good, but they are sometimes too busy to answer every question that you have.
In order to consistently achieve higher grades, you need appropriate guidance from exceptional home tutors who:
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Choose tutors with proven track records today, so that your grades will improve in time for the coming major exams.
Causes Of Teenage Stress | How Does Stress Affect Teenagers | Signs Of Stress In Teens | Teenage Mood Swings | Smart Goals For Teens Singapore
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